your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
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I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.