A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me