me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”