PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
You Might Also Like
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE