Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
You Might Also Like
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
and this one
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is