I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
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[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u