My love language is deader than Latin
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Every work call, he judges.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.