We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
You Might Also Like
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Sticker placement is key.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?