Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?