Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I need to get some bricks…
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend