well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Confused owl: What?!
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!