ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Otters see a butterfly.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
how to have an accident 101
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?