My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
You Might Also Like
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
😜
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Oh. My. God.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back