Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
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God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.