Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?