Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
You Might Also Like
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams