My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
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Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*