Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
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interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Incredible customer service.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)