Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world