Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
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Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.