Good for him馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ
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What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: Don鈥檛 you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn鈥檛 looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that鈥檚 so weird.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying鈥ird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: 鈥ou鈥檙e not gonna believe this
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Listen. You call me a cunt and I鈥檒l call you an ambulance.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you鈥檙e eating?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
SCHR脰DINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHR脰DINGER: Your cat’s dead.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 馃帀
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.