Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here