Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
This is so me 😂😂
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*