“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
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A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.