Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..