My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”