Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
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Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.