I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.