Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Hank is one in a melon.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….