The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
This classic never gets old . . .
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Please do it!
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor