me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
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Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between