The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Liquor Store Parking
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.