Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
You Might Also Like
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.