One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
dam girl
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.