Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
You Might Also Like
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single