A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
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I’ll be mad as hell!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”