In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Yep.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime