Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.