Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange