Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Nomnomnomnom
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The Punning Dead.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you