They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
You Might Also Like
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!