14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
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The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September