[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly