*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
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So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
NASA has no chill
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?