screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
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If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I am patiently waiting for your email
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.