My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.