Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
wait.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.