My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Remember folks 😂
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
ready to be harvested
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.