when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Every house has this drawer
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
He’s dead
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Yup
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.