i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I think I’ll stand
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Camping tip: No.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.